An Open Letter from a UK Spider

September 21, 2014 § Leave a comment

Hello, I’m an arachnid that goes most commonly by the name of the Spider. I, personally, am quite average-sized for the general northern-hemisphere population, but my northern fellows can range from teeny tiny little crawlers to large, sprawled-out, furry- and long-legged companions. We’re a pretty sedentary lot, we like nice, cozy, warm places to rest our exoskeleton and preferably minimal movement to catch our food.

Hey, this summer was really great for me and my brothers! Thought you all might like to know, seeing as you have your toasty clothes and civilisation and shit to keep you warm and fed, we tend to die a lot braving the challenges of nature. Well, these past few months, I have hardly had to mourn one third as many of my friends as usual, ’cause fruits were a-rotting, flies were a-multiplyin’ and the sun was a-revivin’. And so me and my mates were thriving. And I’ve been proud to see some of my measliest buddies grow up to be formidable adults, myself included (although I’m still far from the best-looking!), and we’re sure to get all the ladies hot for us this autumn.

Our lady-friends tend to hide indoors while we’re fending for our lonely selves in the summer, so now we’re out (or in) to get at that sweet spider meat. Don’t worry, we’re not sexist, or rather we can’t be: we’ll court the hell out of them bitches, all vulnerable in them bitches’ territory, and if they don’t want us and we still insist? Well, they are fully capable of killing us on the spot. You human women could learn from them. Or rather, don’t. Please.

So anyway, I hope you will help us out this fall by making your house nice and available. Don’t bother cleaning too much; I mean, you’ll be out a lot, university, work, it’s a tiring task. We love moisture, so any leaky taps you may have, don’t bother the landlord about them, OK? He’ll just get pissed off, and he’s a fat bastard in his pristine penthouse flat anyway, he won’t care. That little space between the wall and your bed is wonderful, your bodies emit some delicious warmth. Don’t go poking round there with your sucking machines. The weather will be getting colder, so hot showers will be in order: keep the bathroom nice and hot ‘n humid for us and our mates to cuddle in. We’ll try to stay out of your way, but it’s hard when you’re so big and desirable to hide yourself. Above all, keep windows nice and open, cause it’s no joy to try and squeeze in through tiny holes while rockin’ this body.

Enjoy your beautiful autumn as much as we will, human friends!

Spider saying hi

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