More excerpts from my old notebooks.

October 11, 2013 § Leave a comment

Somewhat, embarrassing? But here you are, world!

 
sitting dreaming reading writing 
loving living missing sleeping?
doubting forgetting being
 
Flowers. Daffodils!
 
 A family man walking in the distance, in track pants & sneakers. Sporty dad? Trying to make up for fun times. 
Look at me, writing about my speculations on other human beings when I actually meant to write down my personal daydreams about my life being like a motherfucking movie. Isn’t it though? Isn’t it really very much like a movie? A good movie, with no stupid predictable & unrealistic plot twists. Just a normal-looking girl, doing random shit (& guys) that comes her way. & feeling a whole lot of feelings. Maybe it would be a bit melodramatic actually, like when I have silly romantic fantasies & miss my ex-boyfriend & feel ashamed after getting told to leave by a dude I’d just slept with (which sucked) (by the way).

But you see, these little reflective interludes would de-dramatize the whole thing and make it tasteful. Wouldn’t it? Really wouldn’t it though?
Because I do have something of a sense of humor. I do, honest. I’m my best friend J.’s humoristic inspiration (her words) & I make a lot of my mates laugh actually. We don’t all have the same sense of humor but even then, my exaggerated antics get them anyway. But only with people I feel at ease with & I don’t feel at ease with everyone. My lack of self-esteem explains that.
 
Two punk-looking guys sitting about 100 yards away from me with their two big dogs. I wonder if it’s just one of them who owns the two dogs, or if it’s one each. That can explain a lot about the relationship between the two. Either they’re great friends who bond because, among, perhaps, other things, of their love of dogs; or maybe they have other things in common & one of them just puts up with the pets & loves his friend just the same. Or maybe the dogless one is just waiting for an opportunity to get his own & loves spending time with his companion’s dogs.
Actually, I think the other one’s a girl. Hm. This may or may not change everything.
 
The dogs themselves are wildly fascinating as well. They just have completely different body language to us & function a bit more primitively. Dog owners are so blind to this. We can domesticate them all we want but their ingrained canine ways will remain the same and incomprehensible to us. If we want pets that can truly understand & be understood by us, we should get humans. I suppose that is in some way a reason to have a child.
 
I have spent pretty much the entire day watching The Office. A day well wasted. & now I’m watching it again.
 
The henna smell is still in my hair, love it… but it reminds me of E. God, how we clicked.
E. is this darling boy I met going out one night. The brother of a friend of mine. We made out the entire night & kept wanting to see each other. It became an official full-on addiction after I went to his place in N. & we *shared our intimacy*, talked for hours and had sex, finally; it was magical, everything.
 

Aaaah, Me, you twat.

Old cheesy love poem

October 9, 2013 § Leave a comment

Oh woooow. Found this in one of my old notebooks I so love to write in recklessly when I’m feeling impassioned.

It’s very rough and extremely sugary at times but I think there’s a certain charm to it. If you’re interested, the desperate love feeling for this person is long gone and a solid lovely friendship still remains (flatmates now, even!)

Image

Oh N.
If you only knew
All I want to see is you
You’re in my head night & day
It’s not an easy game to play
Being in love when you’re just not that great
Or at least not in a way
The beloved can appreciate.
 
And yet I must say
In a way
I love you just the same
& my friendship for you will not wane.
 
Bring me with you to your window
Huddle me like a good boy should
Like my first love always did
He was perfect, he was good.
 
But you my friend
Are quite the character
Although it’s not what you intend
You make me want my love to never end.
 
I wish you knew to what extent
Your silliness and intellect
Rain upon me shining showers
Of windy lust and golden flowers
You make me smile my tears away
& forget the bills I have to pay.
 
When you touch my nose or tickle my earlobe
I want to bite your fingers off
For not removing all my clothes.
Take them off
One by one
Let me know
That I’m your sun
Shine, shine that gaze on me
Unconditionally
 
I know for me that you are special
Yet in your heart I’m not the main vessel
Of the fleet of friends you hold so dear
What are you doing here
What are you doing not here
I miss you so
Just want you to know
But I guess I shouldn’t
I want your respect for me to grow
& with it love
love love love
love
love.

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